Gracie's Body
by CallXMeXLight
Summary: Adam can't help who he is, or what he does. He hasto deal with the pain somehow, it doesn't mean he's proud of himslef but it's a way of coping at least. T for swearing and self harm


Warning: self harm and swearing. Also i wrote this at 1 Am, this is my first EVER Degrassi fic, and this fic was all powered my my inabbility to sleep and my own feeling of lonleyness i hope you guys like and tell me if you want more, becuase i feel like i should add more. anywho 3 light!

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The silence is almost deafening, I can hear every creak of the floorboard beneath my feet screech as I slowly inch myself out of my small room and down the hall towards the bathroom.

The house is silent, and the only background noise is provided by a local train horn somewhere in the distance. I wait in the hall, frozen in place, waiting to see if anyone will awaken soon. I hear nothing, the coast is clear.

My eyes are dry, and droopy from my lack of sleep and my limbs are weak and unstable. I feel tired, I need to rest but my mind won' let up. All I ever hear are constant thoughts of ridicule, embarrassment and rejection. I ache.

I slowly inch one foot in front of the other, and slowly slide on my feet down the hallway. I go slower than necessary, I feel as if I could be caught at any moment.

I know I shouldn't be doing this, that this is wrong. That by doing this I will not only be hurting myself, but everyone around me. But I'm willing to be selfish right now, I don't care.

I'm just a few yards away from the door now, I can practically feel my heart beating outside my chest. I know I shouldn't be this excited, this happy, this relieved. But I am.

The bathroom door is just inches away, I reach slowly and delicately towards the knob. With one last deep, calming breath I turn the knob sharply to the right and push the door open.

Success.

I quickly maneuver myself into the quaint bathroom, and shut the door tightly. But instantly regret it when I am awarded with a loud, harsh slamming noise when the door meets it' frame.

I freeze, time stands still and I wait for any sign, any sound, any signal that I have awoken anyone. A minutes goes by and without any sounds, aside the deep inhalation and exhalations of my own breath, I deem the house sound asleep. I am safe.

I slowly make my way to the vanity mirrors overtop the doubles sink, in the bathroom. With one quick accidental look, I see my reflection. I physically wince when I catch a glimpse of bruises Fitz has left all over my body. But I have felt worse pain, I ignore them.

I open the vanity mirror, and on the top shelf there lays my barrette, or should I say Gracie's barrette. It's a plain thing really, a little overly large, with a black front and a silver clasp on the back. Nothing special, but aside from those pictures, it's the only memory , that my family knows of, that I have of Gracie.

I can feel the hatred boiling up inside of myself now. The frustration, the anger, the pure hatred I had towards her. Towards Gracie. Towards myself.

I was wrong. I was born wrong, I was a fuck up

I was never meant to be what, or who I am today.

People are confused when they find out, my parents are embarrassed when they tell people, my friends don't know because they wouldn't stay. In time they will all leave, because in time they will all come to realize how much of a freak I am. How wrong I am, how wrong I feel.

I don't deserve this.

I am not Gracie, but I am.

I never want to have to be her again.

I am Adam….

But then why do I feel like I will never rid myself fully of Gracie. Because as long as I stay in this body I WILL be Gracie.

Damn Gracie, damn body, damn Gracie's body ruining everything.

I can feel tears prickling at the corners of my eyes, and my body prepares itself, for it knows what's about to happen.

I set the plain barrette on the countertop, and fish in the pockets of my sweat pants for something. After a few moments I find what I'm looking for, when my hand comes in contacts with the smooth exterior of my lighter.

I know I shouldn't do this, I promised Mom, Dad, Drew, Clare and Eli I never would. But they don't have to know. I feel like being selfish tonight anyway.

I slowly roll up the left sleeve of my long, baggy nightshirt to reveal my pale, scared arm. My living proof that I still live in Gracie's body. Living proof that I am still Gracie.

Adam would never hurt himself he knows better, he would never hurt anyone. But Gracie, this was her escape. This is how she dealt with things, she bottled them up. She hid, like all girls do.

I pull back the switch on the head of the lighter and am rewarded with a bright golden, red flame. My pulse quickens in anticipation. For I moment I contemplate, weather or not this is a good idea, I quickly push the idea out of my mind and pick up the barrette.

The smooth silver clasp, catches the light from the small flame atop my lighter and for a moment it glistens innocently in my hand. I quickly blink away the though and bring the lighter closer towards the clasp, warming the smooth metal.

My heart is pounding, my blood rush, and I am frantically glancing between the lighter in my hand and door of the bathroom; praying to god that no one enters anytime soon.

When I feel the moment is right, I let the flame and set my lighter back on the countertop. With one last glance at the so called "innocent barrette" I pressed the scolding metal to the inside of my forearm.

The heat is excruciating but the reaction is exhilarating, I can practically hear the endorphins being send throughout my body. An overwhelming sense of nirvana hits me, and for a single moment I feel calm.

After a while the metal of the clasp is cool once again, and my momentary nirvana is gone. I am brought back to the real world. Back to reality, where I am still the gender confused, generally disliked, new kid.

My body aches for another round.

reality hurts to much to not do it


End file.
